Essays Don't Write Themselves

3:36 a.m. – I just got to my computer after 5 hours of sleep. Let’s hope I can get this essay done in time to get an hour or so more.

5:33 a.m. – No such luck. Been at it for ages and I still have 300 words to go. I’m on my last paragraph but I’m tired already. I want my bed!!!

6:21a.m. - I’m finally writing my conclusion. Ever notice how it takes hardly any time at all to write the middle bits? It seems it’s hardest to get started and to finish a long essay. 1526 words so far and I’m only allowed a max of 74 more. I think that should be plenty for my conclusion.

6:28a.m. – Almost done.

6:29 a.m. – Finished and all in 1581 words. Just below the word limit of 1600. All that’s left to do now is print out the darn thing. Wouldn’t you know it? I lost my 30-minute nap time that I’d planned. On the bright side, I’m well and truly ready to face school today. (Except perhaps for that human biology test that I didn’t manage to revise for.) Oh well, I’ll make do with what I can. I’ll have to cram during my free period, recess and lunch. I’ll report on my day later this evening. By the way, please spare the nagging. I know I should have studied for the biology test. I’m not that thick. I’ve been tied up with other assignments and assessments. Oooh maths test first period today. Good luck to me.

Hello, It's Me

Well, well, well. I thought I'd share a little piccy of me in case ya'll forgot what I look like. Doesn't this just give away the fact that I'm an 80s baby? I have a troll!! A little nakie trollie with no name. Well you can call it Marian but this house isn't big enough for two of us...hehe. Hm, what to name trollikins? I'll work that out later.

The Future Mrs Michael Jackson...yeah right

I’ve spent the last 10 minutes trying hard to appreciate this CD of mine, but the fact is that I can’t stand Aaron Carter’s brand of poppy peppiness. In his 2000 release “Oh Aaron,” he tries desperately to add a hip-hop sound to his work but it just doesn’t work. I find myself skipping songs within hardly a minute of each track. Ah joy – I’m at the end of the 11 tracks from hell. At this point I have to decide between the Jackson 5’s 1983 greatest hits album and Cher’s 1998 release, “Believe.” Well you know I “never can say goodbye” to MJ and so the Jackson 5 wins.

I’m feeling a fair bit more confident about my work at the moment. It turns out that the maths test I missed last week was so poorly done that it’s not going to count in our grades so I’m only doing it for practice. Better yet, the maths test I was worried about has been shifted to Thursday and even then it only took the 50 minutes of my free period to prepare for it. I’m now officially on top on my work in maths. That’s more than I can say for human biology. I hadn’t realised that even though today is Tuesday that we were following Monday’s timetable. I basically didn’t prepare for it. My teacher took into account that I’ve missed about 80% of her notes with all the days I’ve been off sick. She’s allowing me to sit the test on Thursday and I got all my notes done while the rest of the class was sitting it today. On the whole it’s looking really good for me.

The most embarrassing part of my day was having to perform both my scenes for my drama assessment today without prior warning. I was meant to have performed them last week but I was sick and I’m extremely blessed that my foresight made me leave my costumes in my locker. I went ahead with it and ended up having to sing the reprise of “As Long As He Needs Me” without any accompaniment. It wasn’t too bad. I don’t think I went off key. At least that’s one more assessment over and done with.

My creative juices seem to be running a little dry, however and even my dreams grow more mundane by the day. All I do in sleep is re-live my waking moments and ponder over my future. I need inspiration. For the moment I’ll satisfy myself with singing and drawing.

I’m trying to “go face the worries of the day” and “with a child’s heart, turn each problem into play.” Sadly, life isn’t as easy as a Michael Jackson song. It is, however, a nice reminder for me to stress less and just get my work done. I feel incredibly loved and I know there are a lot of people praying and looking out for me. Kitten wants a hug but I’ll have to go without for a few days, or at least until I catch up with my mates who do like to hug.

What’s really freaking me out is my new radio. Just a while ago the music suddenly went really loud. The volume ran from being on 8 to 20-something as if someone was turning the knob. It’s about the third or fourth time it’s happened. I wonder if something is wrong with it. Actually, do I really need to ask? I’m willing to bet it’s fine. Still wish I knew why it’s acting like this. Anyhoo, before I start quoting Michael Jackson lyrics again I’d best get out of here and back to work. (*Gasps* I left my copy of “Off the Wall” at Michael’s. Must remember to get it back on the weekend.) Ta-ta you lot, I’ll have better ramblings tomorrow. I hope.

Miss Independent

Ever since I came to Perth and even before that I’ve always tried to be as independent as possible. There’s nothing wrong with that but I realise that I’ve put on too much of a front. I act strong and people see me that way. The truth is I want to be looked after and mothered. So what if I’m 18? I don’t really want to grow up. To all my friends, I apologise if I seem like I don’t need you. The truth is I need you guys a lot and everything you’ve done for me over the time we’ve known each other has been greatly appreciated. If I’ve ever made you feel redundant (in my life at least) the truth is I act out of my own insecurity. I’m afraid to show weakness, and accepting help for something I can easily do myself makes me feel weak. I think I’ll boil it down to one problem – pride. Surprise, surprise – not. I’ll start eating humble pie right now. I’m not infallible and I need all the help I can get. It’s about time I start letting people look after me when they want to.

I’ve been refusing to ask my grandmother to pick me up and give me lifts to school because I felt like I would be inconveniencing her. More than that, I felt that if I did that I’d be proving myself incapable of making my own way to school. Today I got caught in the rain on my way to school and my poor grandmother was heart-broken. For my sake as much as for the peace of mind of my family, I’ve agreed to let her pick me up from home every morning. It actually feels good to know that I won’t ever be late for school. Her picking me up gives me an extra 20 minutes for breakfast or a bit of a lie-in. I’m extremely grateful for my grandmother and rather than refusing her (which would really be an insult to her) I’ve agreed to the lifts.

Time for a more direct apology – to Michael and Rie, I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel like I don’t need you. The fact is I do need you both so very much. It took a bit of effort to let Rie cover for me in church on Friday night but I did it; partly because I was feeling really ill and partly because I realised I couldn’t do it. I’d pushed myself too far and I was exhausted. Quite a few times these past weeks I’ve just wanted to sit on my mommy’s lap and cry. You guys have been there for me through all that and I don’t know what I’d do without you and all my other friends. Never judge a book by its cover folks. I may seem totally happy but I’m terribly homesick. I’m going through a transition and it’s scaring the heck out of me. I can’t go back to the past and the only way to go is forward, but I’m scared. I don’t have it all together and I’m not quite as confidant as I may seem. I’m just taking one day at a time and trying to keep myself on track.

Thinking about having fellowship and good friends reminds me of a Bible story. Mark 2: 1-12 recounts the story of a paralysed man being healed by Jesus. Basically this man’s friends wanted to bring him to Jesus to be healed but the building where He was preaching was extremely crowded. Undeterred the four men placed their friend on a soft bed and lowered him down into the building through a hole in the roof which they made. What I found interesting is that the Bible doesn’t say that Jesus saw the faith of the paralysed man.

When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven.
Mark 2:5

Jesus saw the faith of the man’s four friends and then healed him. How important is it then for us to have the right friends and to be humble enough to allow them to help us when we need it?

Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you. Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning.
Proverbs 9:8-9

I’m learning to listen to the counsel of my friends and family. They love me and want the best for me. Of course I mustn’t abandon my own judgement but it’s time to accept that I can’t always take care of myself and I don’t always know what’s best for me. I stand convicted and I’m grateful I have people in my life who care about me enough to want to help me. I love you guys and I can’t thank you all enough. So begins another chapter of revelations…

Throw Me A Lifeline

"For he took away the alters of the strange gods, and the high places, and brake down the images, and cut down the groves : and commanded Judah to seek the Lord God of their fathers, and to do the law and the commandment." 2 Chronicles 14 : 3-4 (KJV)

Lately I've been feeling slightly disconnected from God and I'll be honest - I haven't been placing Him as my focus. Lately I've done some things I once promised myslef I'd never do and as I did so my thought process was affected. It worries me that lately I've been thinking more about everything other than God. I've even lost the inspiration to write poetry. My school work has been affected and my prayer life has been too. I'm still on the church choir but sometimes my heart hasn't been in it. For the first time in ages I was actually self-conscious about worshipping in the choir. I made a decision to change this and oddly enough it was a video for Mercy Ministries that was shown in church that really hit home (Mercy is a ministry that helps young women rise up above their circumstances). The song playing in the video was Brooke Fraser's "Lifeline." The first thing I did when I got the chance was to get a hold of the song and listen to it. Over and over and over again I played it and prayed. I squeezed all the bad that had saturated me and soaked up some of God's love. There is something very powerful about submitting one's self to God totally. Just coming into His presence and saying "God I'm not perfect but I want to live for you and serve you" can make all the difference. I recommited myself and my spirit was lifted.

Over the past 5 weeks I've been procrastinating with regards to my homework. I've glanced at my assignments and thought to myself that I could never live up to the standard I'd set for myself in my previous semester's work. I completely lost myself in fear that I would not do as well as I had last semester. This spiritual cleansing over the past week has restored my focus and my resolve. Last night I put my favourite worship songs on and sat down to work on my first assignment in ages. I got it done and I think it's a top notch effort on my part. I'm not going to run to God only when I'm in trouble and I can't keep it inside when He's blessed me so much. I have to shout it to the world. I feel so incredibly blessed that He is a merciful God who keeps no record of our sins. Just like in the song, I want to "re-acquaint my knees with the carpet" and soften my heart before God. I'm rambling on aren't I? Well this is theraputic for me so feel free to skip over it if you wish.

Looking back I'm thinking about how well I was going with my Bible reading. I read all of Judges and Ruth and I was starting on 2 Samuel when I stopped not too long ago. I'm starting it up again because I've been getting convicted quite powerfully by these books. Very often we tend to focus on the Gospels and the Bible stories we're familiar with and we forget about the rest of the Bible. Reading through Judges was an eye-opener and I have to go over it again to grasp all my thoughts on it. (If anyone would like to help me pull apart Judges feel free to email me.) I love my Bible and I don't want it to sit on my shelf collecting dust. I wanted to start a Bible fellowship and I think it's about time I did it. Would be interesting to have a small group of people read the same verses, pray about it and then bring their different revelations to the group. (Anyone interested?) God has a mighty big plan for all of us as individuals and I want to get myself and people I know closer to their destiny. It's about time I took responsibility - I'm no longer a baby Christian and I can't rely on past revelations and experiences. I want a fresh awakening on a daily basis. I'm maturing as a person and as a believer and for the lack of wanting to slip backwards, I'm going to press on. Ah, there is hope yet for us all.

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3 : 13-14

I wake

I wake, I walk
I wonder off to school
I rush between my classes
I follow all the rules

Day in, day out
Nothing ever changes
Stresses, pressures
A smile that always wavers

A constant cycle
Days that just repeat
Slouching, moaning
Crouching in defeat

I wake, I walk
I don’t know what to say
I’m soaked, the rain
It raineth every day

I wake, I walk
I want a life that’s new
Out of control
Not knowing what to do

Need to submit
And give my life to God
Need to repent
Led by His staff and rod

I wake, I walk
Skipping with a smile
I want to change
But it will take a while

First off my heart
Has to become soft and warm
I need to learn
To hold on through the storms

I stood and ached
I was in too much pain
I cried to God
I was back in the old rain

My hope, my faith
Was fading – black to white
And then my God
Returned to me my sight

I need to run
For the goal that is God’s will
But that could mean
Sometimes remaining still

I wake, I walk
But I’ve not walked in a while
God said, “Just wait,
And I will run your mile.”