Maid Marian

Reflections

2010-11-25T20:13:00.013+08:00

I just got back on Sunday from a short but altogether highly enjoyable trip to KL. Most of my time there was spent with my uncle, aunt and their two children. Their 14 year old son, Stefan, has an X-Box 360 so we played Left For Dead while the 9 year old girl, Sonia, and I played UNO in the evenings. I used to be very close to them when they were little but we drifted apart once I moved to Perth. In fact I was more than pleasantly surprised to find that we still got along as well as we did.

Some time around my third night there I had a strange revelation while playing card games with the two of them. We were sitting on the floor of Sonia's bedroom and I was wearing my Princess nightie. It suddenly struck me that I felt very much like Wendy did in the Disney 'Peter Pan' film. With the engagement ceremony of yet another relative taking place the next day, that moment felt very much like the beginning of my last night in the nursery. Not long from now I'll wake up one morning and have to "grow up".

Of course I realise how ridiculous that notion is. Neither Wade nor my friends expect me to refrain from enjoying the things I have always loved - watching cartoons, playing games...in fact I rather fancy they'd encourage me to continue with my old habits and will probably join me in the pursuit of things I love. It's just that for a moment I was overcome with the realisation that not long from now I'll be married and will probably have kids of my own while the majority of my cousins will still be kids themselves.

Thankfully this anxiety was short lived and overwhelmed by the fact that I'm actually looking forward to all the changes to my life. How could I not when my life partner is my best friend and the one person I always enjoy being around :) Truth is, I'm blessed and I don't regret my life choices one bit.

During my time there my uncle and aunt organised for us to go on a day trip to Ipoh to visit my great-uncle and great-aunt (my gramma's brother and his wife). We left around 7 in the morning, aiming to arrive in Ipoh around 9:30. I'd seriously forgotten just how beautiful the views were outside the city.

The grassed peaks stretched out for miles on either side of the highway; each one farther away than the last, the pattern continuing until everything faded to white under a combination of mist and haze. It was a sight so tranquil and reassuringly constant. Sleeping giants looking out over the constantly changing city in the valley below. And then out of nowhere we lost almost all visibility. We hit a wall of mist, a downy covering so dense we could only just make out the vegetation closest to the road.

We were surrounded by a grey blanket broken only by the occasional sunbeam cutting through in distinct shafts of light. As for the sun itself, well, the great ball of fire hung like a pale full moon behind the mist. It was nothing but a white ball, it's glow overpowered by the unrelenting mass of mist. I was quite simply left in awe of the majesty of nature. In that moment I was reminded of my mortality; of how small and insigficant my concerns are in comparison to the wider world.

Obstructing as the mist was, it only heightened the reverence that always fills me when travelling through Malaysia. But then the temperature began to rise gradually and from time to time the sun overcame the mist to cast its full light on our surroundings. Even though only momentary, these lapses out of the dreamy mist felt like I was being forced out of the comforting embrace of bed and blankets.

It was unsettling enough that when we were again engulfed by mist (this time even denser) I found my heart catching in my throat. This was my slice of heaven, my almost quite literal place among the clouds. It was a serenity broken only by the jarring laughter of the radio presenter. At this point I realised that I had been lost in thought and taking notes for almost an hour and that my book lay quite forgotten and, neglected, growing warm upon my lap. In spite of this I simply couldn't tear myself away from the beauty of my surroundings.

Finally I gave in and allowed my mind to get lost in reflection for the remainder of the journey. If I'd thought the journey there made me contemplate my mortality, I was in for a right shock when I got to my relatives' place. My great-aunt has lost so much weight from her illness that she looks like her neck can hardly support the weight of her head. It was...a little too much for me to come to terms with at the time.

I remember staying in that house with all the family over the holidays as a kid. My aunty Salome used to carry me in her arms and sing to me to get me to eat. The song I always think of is "Let's Go to the Zoo", an old ad campaign in Malaysia for the KFC outlet they used to have at the Zoo. The thought that this woman, one of the most beautiful ladies I have ever known, is now reduced to a wrinkled creature is more than I can bear to think of. God willing she'll be able to attend my wedding but goodness knows how she'll be then.

To top it off, we took a drive to the nearby cemetary where my great-grandmother's ashes are buried at the foot of her husband's grave. Her mother is also buried there. It meant a lot to be able to pay my respect to her again. I miss her so much even if it has been 8 years since she passed. I really have very little recollection of the lunch that followed or of the conversations that took place. All I remember is listening to my music in the car on the way home and hiding behind my sunglasses hoping no one would notice I was distracted.

It still weighs heavily on my heart that there are so many people I love and cherish that will not be around for so many of my special moments. So many people who helped me get to where I am in life who will never get to share in the joys of the family. Well, I've had my emo moment so I'll leave it there for now. Might go into detail of the rest of the trip later on but so far these are moments that stood out to me. These are the people that matter to me and I'll never forget or let my children forget how wonderful they will always be, even if it's only in my memory.

Salamat datang ke Singapura

2010-09-28T20:56:00.004+08:00

I've been in Singapore roughly 24 hours and already I'm missing Perth a little...well, mostly just the people I left behind :) I'd hardly gotten off the escalator at the Perth airport when I heard someone calling my name. When I turned around it was Christy, Alisha and Rowan so of course I burst into tears. Basically we had about an hour of conversation before I had to go through to immigration and it was one of the hardest goodbyes I've had to do. The fact that Alisha was crying too only made it worse and I couldn't stop until I'd gotten to the immigration counter. I'm surprised they didn't have to pry my arms off Wade. Not knowing when I'll be back is making me miss him all the more but I'm keeping busy and enjoying my time here.

Anyway, it was pretty much smooth sailing from there and everything happened really fast. Went through customs (had to take my shoes off because they set the metal detector off), walked to my gate and got there in time to hear the last call for boarding as I was saying a last minute goodbye to Wade on my phone.

I joined the queue, was on the plane pretty damn quickly and I hardly had time to put on my seat-belt when the pilot asked everyone to prepare for take-off. Five hours passed quickly as I ate, watched Shrek, TAYG and later School of Comedy. Turns out we were at least 30 minutes early in landing because of good tail-winds. Keeping in theme with the rest of the day, I got off the plane and through Singapore immigration within 15 minutes. Waited like hell for my bags but then got out and then the anti-climax hit - I was stuck waiting for my dad with no way to contact him.

Amazingly, a couple of drivers waiting for Aussie businessmen let me use their work phone to call my dad. I think they said that if a Singaporean couldn't get help at home, where would the world be :) The next thing I knew I was in my dad's cab and on my way home.

Since then I've unpacked all my shtuff at my grandma's place and made a lot of visa related phone calls and such. I am loving being back with my grandmother who eats, sleeps and wakes up at the same time as me and whose cooking is bloody amazing. I'm sleeping in the double bed I often slept in while I was growing up and that my mom's sisters slept in.

My gramma's house is like the land where time stands still. There are clothes in the drawers belonging to mom, her sisters and myself from as early as the 1980s. I just love that it's familiar, safe and comforting. I am quite looking forward to spending more time chatting with her and playing Scrabble.

Apart from that, nothing out of the ordinary has happened today and I'm adjusting surprisingly well to the climate. It may be humid but it's actually quite cool and raining heavily in the afternoons. Gosh darn it the thunder today made me jump half outta my skin. I really have missed the monsoonal storms. I'm finding it comfortable even without a fan on and I'm hardly perspiring at all.

Anyways, I'll be online most days and I'll be keeping the updates coming as more happens. (More than an afternoon shower and me losing at cards, that is.) Until then, you have my love guys! ^_^

Groundhog Day

2006-10-16T21:12:00.000+08:00

Many of us are familiar with the system of repeating certain prayers that is carried out in many churches. I remember being made to learn the ‘Hail Mary,’ the Lord’s Prayer and Apostles’ Creed as a child in catechism, yet I don’t recall us ever being told to pray in our own words. Oh, better yet, there was once we were asked to write on a small card a prayer about what was current to us at that point in time. We were then advised to say that prayer every night before we went to bed. Hm. Kinda defeats the purpose of praying. So it is that many Christians are stuck in a sort of ‘groundhog day’ (like in the movie) where they repeatedly go through the motions of memorised prayers such that the meaning behind them is lost.

I’ll start with what we call the ‘Hail Mary’. In Luke 1, a pregnant Mary visits her cousin Elisabeth who at the time was pregnant with a child who would grow to become John the Baptist. The specific verses in question are found in Lk 1:41-48, where Elisabeth makes a declaration when she the revelation hits her that Mary is pregnant with the saviour of the world. What millions of believers have often repeated over time is actually Elisabeth blessing Mary and the unborn Jesus, and Mary’s gratitude that she was the one chosen to bear God’s son. So where is the relevance today of us repeating ‘hail Mary full of grace, the Lord is with you?’ One could argue that the real prayer is in the second half, ‘Holy Mary, mother of God pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.’

Mary is ultimately another human being. Yes I honour her for bearing Christ and for being an amazing role model in her faith. However I refuse to pray to her or to acknowledge her as intercessor. Jesus Himself says in John 14:6 :

"I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

Straight away Jesus cuts out the middle man. That is the very reason he was born! So forget repeating the ‘Hail Mary.’ Friends, that’s not going to get you anywhere.

Similarly we tend to say the Lord’s Prayer without ever even considering the context it was written in. In Matthew 6:5-13, Jesus teaches the multitudes how to pray. It is then that he gives them what we call the Lord’s Prayer. Often we are familiar with only these verses:

'Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.”

This is only from the second half of verse 9. The first half of verse 9 says “This, then, is how you should pray.” It doesn’t say anything about following his prayer word for word. Yet again, another one of Man’s misinterpretations. The earlier verses (in the NKJV) pretty much say:

“And when you pray, you shall not be like the hypocrites. For they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the corners of the streets, that they may be seen by men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward. But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words.
Therefore do not be like them. For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him."

I think they speak for themselves but I want to point out that Jesus advises against the use of repetitions for the sake of it. Repeating a prayer for the sake of looking righteous is as bad as not praying at all. How can one be praying if one’s heart isn’t in it? My little bit for today is just to say, have your heart right when you pray and don’t repeat your prayers just so you have something to say to look good in front of others.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with praying for the same thing over and over again. Sometimes you have to in order to get a breakthrough. However, whatever it is you are praying, mean it with all your heart. Don’t allow your words to be ‘vain repetitions’ without any passion behind them. There’s so much more to be said about the Lord’s Prayer but I’ll save that for tomorrow. In the meantime, let’s focus on getting our hearts into what we pray.

Non c'è nessuno

2006-10-07T21:22:00.000+08:00

God is amazing and there is no other like Him. This past week has been one of restoration for me spiritually. I feel physically and mentally stronger now and I'm better prepared to face my upcoming exams. As Christians we tend to underestimate the power of obedience when we really should see it for what it is. For the past 6-7 weeks I've been struggling under the strain of various ailments on top of my workload in school. I was literally beginning to let it weigh me down and I was extremely cranky and bitchy (believe me, that's the most accurate description there is). I have been coping with disappointment in a terrible way and I'd lost my usual positive outlook on life and people. I was in need of prayer and despite bring promted by God numerous times to get prayed over, I kept putting it off with the excuse that I had to serve. Last Sunday God reminded me that I can't serve others when I myself am weak so I went down to the front and got prayed over by one of the leaders and it was my moment of breakthrough. I only wish I'd done it sooner. Perhaps God had a plan in that as well.

"My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commandments in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity."
Proverbs 3:1-2

Here's a little quickie on obedience - it's not about you. The reality of it is that our choices today affect our future generations; children, grandchildren etc. More than that, our choices today affect the people around us. Imagine that you felt convicted of something you were doing wrong in your life but chose to go with what you felt was comfortable rather than what God told you was right. Imagine that your friends missed out of salvation, got turned off Christianity and God because of your bad choice. Imagine that because of one selfish, short-term choice you lost what God had intended for you and you fell away from Him, never to return. Is it worth it? I'm asking myself that very question. I feel covicted of some choices that I've been making of late but it is up to me to make the change. The last thing I want is to carry the burden of lost salvations because of something I chose to do. Friends, it's not about us. Sadly, it is our loved ones who suffer the consequences of our actions the most. All I can do is re-evaluate myself and try my best to keep to Jesus' teachings and to the Word. I want to be blessed and more than that I want to be a blessing.

Gloria in excélsis Deo

2006-09-19T20:17:00.000+08:00

For someone who has violently opposed many of the practices and teachings of the Catholic Church, I find myself drawn to Gregorian chants more than I am to even normal worship music. I can’t describe in words how Salve Sanctus Parens lifts my spirit or how Veni Sancte Spiritus moves me to tears. There is a deep connection to God that comes through so clearly in the music. It makes me want to simply fall to my knees in worship. There is far more depth and meaning in it than could ever be explained.

I now see what my dad meant when he said that he wished the Mass was still conducted in Latin. There is power and intensity in the words of the Bible sung in Latin that cannot be matched by the watered-down, modernised English ones Catholics sing today to more complex music. I’ll just use a very well known doxology in the order of the Catholic Mass as an example – “Gloria in Excelsis Deo”.

Gloria in excélsis Deo
Et in terra pax homínibus bonæ voluntátis.
Laudámus te.
Benedícimus te.
Adorámus te.
Glorificámus te.
Grátias ágimus tibi propter magnam glóriam tuam,
Dómine Deus, Rex cæléstis, Deus Pater omnípotens.
Dómine Fili unigénite, Jesu Christe.
Dómine Deus, Agnus Dei, Fílius Patris.
Qui tollis peccáta mundi, miserére nobis.
Qui tollis peccáta mundi, súscipe deprecatiónem nostram.
Qui sedes ad déxteram Patris, miserére nobis.
Quóniam tu solus Sanctus.
Tu solus Dóminus,
Tu solus Altíssimus, Jesu Christe,
Cum Sancto Spíritu in glória Dei Patris. Amen.

This has now been translated and shortened further into what is a much simpler version which is sung in churches all over the world. It seems that to the average churchgoer the roots of the songs and prayers they say every Sunday are long forgotten. Not only does the Latin version sound much richer, it probably contains far more in its meaning that this-

Glory to God in the Highest
And peace to His people on earth.
Lord God, heavenly King, Almighty God and Father;
We worship you, we give you thanks,
We praise you for your glory.
Lord Jesus Christ, Only Son of the Father.
Lord God, Lamb of God
You take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us;
You are seated at the right hand of the Father, receive our prayer.
For You alone are the Holy One,
You alone are the Lord,
You alone are the Most High Jesus Christ,
With the Holy Spirit in the Glory of God the Father. Amen.

I am sorry to say that if the church thought that by modernising things they could make this songs sound more appealing, they have failed miserably. I still remember singing this in church in a sombre atmosphere as though I was mourning the death of a distant, unknown person instead of celebrating my living God and Saviour. Isn’t that the whole point of the Gloria? Here is a beautiful song written to praise Jesus and today we sing it with such a lack of fervour that it loses its meaning. So what if the Gregorian chants were monotonous? They still carry far more passion than the modern songs. I’m not saying that Catholics should revert to the chants of old; I am simply saying that if they want to change things, they need to maintain and convey the same passion for their faith.

I could go on for days questioning what has become of the passion for Christ and salvation that the Antioch church had. All I can do now is challenge everyone who is a believer to act on their faith. I don’t care if all you have is the equivalent to a Gregorian chant. Even if you think you’re not as eloquent as someone else or you’re not as mature a Christian as everyone else you know, do what you can. Use what you have and put all the passion you can into it.

Jesus Himself told us what the greatest commandments are for us as believers – whether you wish to call yourself a Catholic or Christian or whatever else.

"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' 31The second is this: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these." Mk 12:29-30

We are called to love our Lord with ALL we have. Being a believer is not about a half-hearted faith where we are lukewarm. It’s about being on fire for God – full of passion. More than that, we are called to love people. If we love our friends, would we not want to see them in heaven with us in eternity? Why then do we hesitate to share what is the best thing we have in our lives? I myself am guilty of not taking opportunities to share the Gospel. Why don’t we all start today – right this instant. It’s time that our passion for Christ was made public – let it shine and don’t keep it hidden in your heart. There is no such thing as a passive believer, only a lazy one.

Essays Don't Write Themselves

2006-08-31T06:40:00.000+08:00

3:36 a.m. – I just got to my computer after 5 hours of sleep. Let’s hope I can get this essay done in time to get an hour or so more.

5:33 a.m. – No such luck. Been at it for ages and I still have 300 words to go. I’m on my last paragraph but I’m tired already. I want my bed!!!

6:21a.m. - I’m finally writing my conclusion. Ever notice how it takes hardly any time at all to write the middle bits? It seems it’s hardest to get started and to finish a long essay. 1526 words so far and I’m only allowed a max of 74 more. I think that should be plenty for my conclusion.

6:28a.m. – Almost done.

6:29 a.m. – Finished and all in 1581 words. Just below the word limit of 1600. All that’s left to do now is print out the darn thing. Wouldn’t you know it? I lost my 30-minute nap time that I’d planned. On the bright side, I’m well and truly ready to face school today. (Except perhaps for that human biology test that I didn’t manage to revise for.) Oh well, I’ll make do with what I can. I’ll have to cram during my free period, recess and lunch. I’ll report on my day later this evening. By the way, please spare the nagging. I know I should have studied for the biology test. I’m not that thick. I’ve been tied up with other assignments and assessments. Oooh maths test first period today. Good luck to me.

Hello, It's Me

2006-08-29T19:56:00.000+08:00

Well, well, well. I thought I'd share a little piccy of me in case ya'll forgot what I look like. Doesn't this just give away the fact that I'm an 80s baby? I have a troll!! A little nakie trollie with no name. Well you can call it Marian but this house isn't big enough for two of us...hehe. Hm, what to name trollikins? I'll work that out later.

The Future Mrs Michael Jackson...yeah right

2006-08-29T19:33:00.000+08:00

I’ve spent the last 10 minutes trying hard to appreciate this CD of mine, but the fact is that I can’t stand Aaron Carter’s brand of poppy peppiness. In his 2000 release “Oh Aaron,” he tries desperately to add a hip-hop sound to his work but it just doesn’t work. I find myself skipping songs within hardly a minute of each track. Ah joy – I’m at the end of the 11 tracks from hell. At this point I have to decide between the Jackson 5’s 1983 greatest hits album and Cher’s 1998 release, “Believe.” Well you know I “never can say goodbye” to MJ and so the Jackson 5 wins.

I’m feeling a fair bit more confident about my work at the moment. It turns out that the maths test I missed last week was so poorly done that it’s not going to count in our grades so I’m only doing it for practice. Better yet, the maths test I was worried about has been shifted to Thursday and even then it only took the 50 minutes of my free period to prepare for it. I’m now officially on top on my work in maths. That’s more than I can say for human biology. I hadn’t realised that even though today is Tuesday that we were following Monday’s timetable. I basically didn’t prepare for it. My teacher took into account that I’ve missed about 80% of her notes with all the days I’ve been off sick. She’s allowing me to sit the test on Thursday and I got all my notes done while the rest of the class was sitting it today. On the whole it’s looking really good for me.

The most embarrassing part of my day was having to perform both my scenes for my drama assessment today without prior warning. I was meant to have performed them last week but I was sick and I’m extremely blessed that my foresight made me leave my costumes in my locker. I went ahead with it and ended up having to sing the reprise of “As Long As He Needs Me” without any accompaniment. It wasn’t too bad. I don’t think I went off key. At least that’s one more assessment over and done with.

My creative juices seem to be running a little dry, however and even my dreams grow more mundane by the day. All I do in sleep is re-live my waking moments and ponder over my future. I need inspiration. For the moment I’ll satisfy myself with singing and drawing.

I’m trying to “go face the worries of the day” and “with a child’s heart, turn each problem into play.” Sadly, life isn’t as easy as a Michael Jackson song. It is, however, a nice reminder for me to stress less and just get my work done. I feel incredibly loved and I know there are a lot of people praying and looking out for me. Kitten wants a hug but I’ll have to go without for a few days, or at least until I catch up with my mates who do like to hug.

What’s really freaking me out is my new radio. Just a while ago the music suddenly went really loud. The volume ran from being on 8 to 20-something as if someone was turning the knob. It’s about the third or fourth time it’s happened. I wonder if something is wrong with it. Actually, do I really need to ask? I’m willing to bet it’s fine. Still wish I knew why it’s acting like this. Anyhoo, before I start quoting Michael Jackson lyrics again I’d best get out of here and back to work. (*Gasps* I left my copy of “Off the Wall” at Michael’s. Must remember to get it back on the weekend.) Ta-ta you lot, I’ll have better ramblings tomorrow. I hope.

Miss Independent

2006-08-22T21:18:00.000+08:00

Ever since I came to Perth and even before that I’ve always tried to be as independent as possible. There’s nothing wrong with that but I realise that I’ve put on too much of a front. I act strong and people see me that way. The truth is I want to be looked after and mothered. So what if I’m 18? I don’t really want to grow up. To all my friends, I apologise if I seem like I don’t need you. The truth is I need you guys a lot and everything you’ve done for me over the time we’ve known each other has been greatly appreciated. If I’ve ever made you feel redundant (in my life at least) the truth is I act out of my own insecurity. I’m afraid to show weakness, and accepting help for something I can easily do myself makes me feel weak. I think I’ll boil it down to one problem – pride. Surprise, surprise – not. I’ll start eating humble pie right now. I’m not infallible and I need all the help I can get. It’s about time I start letting people look after me when they want to.

I’ve been refusing to ask my grandmother to pick me up and give me lifts to school because I felt like I would be inconveniencing her. More than that, I felt that if I did that I’d be proving myself incapable of making my own way to school. Today I got caught in the rain on my way to school and my poor grandmother was heart-broken. For my sake as much as for the peace of mind of my family, I’ve agreed to let her pick me up from home every morning. It actually feels good to know that I won’t ever be late for school. Her picking me up gives me an extra 20 minutes for breakfast or a bit of a lie-in. I’m extremely grateful for my grandmother and rather than refusing her (which would really be an insult to her) I’ve agreed to the lifts.

Time for a more direct apology – to Michael and Rie, I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel like I don’t need you. The fact is I do need you both so very much. It took a bit of effort to let Rie cover for me in church on Friday night but I did it; partly because I was feeling really ill and partly because I realised I couldn’t do it. I’d pushed myself too far and I was exhausted. Quite a few times these past weeks I’ve just wanted to sit on my mommy’s lap and cry. You guys have been there for me through all that and I don’t know what I’d do without you and all my other friends. Never judge a book by its cover folks. I may seem totally happy but I’m terribly homesick. I’m going through a transition and it’s scaring the heck out of me. I can’t go back to the past and the only way to go is forward, but I’m scared. I don’t have it all together and I’m not quite as confidant as I may seem. I’m just taking one day at a time and trying to keep myself on track.

Thinking about having fellowship and good friends reminds me of a Bible story. Mark 2: 1-12 recounts the story of a paralysed man being healed by Jesus. Basically this man’s friends wanted to bring him to Jesus to be healed but the building where He was preaching was extremely crowded. Undeterred the four men placed their friend on a soft bed and lowered him down into the building through a hole in the roof which they made. What I found interesting is that the Bible doesn’t say that Jesus saw the faith of the paralysed man.

When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven.
Mark 2:5

Jesus saw the faith of the man’s four friends and then healed him. How important is it then for us to have the right friends and to be humble enough to allow them to help us when we need it?

Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you. Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning.
Proverbs 9:8-9

I’m learning to listen to the counsel of my friends and family. They love me and want the best for me. Of course I mustn’t abandon my own judgement but it’s time to accept that I can’t always take care of myself and I don’t always know what’s best for me. I stand convicted and I’m grateful I have people in my life who care about me enough to want to help me. I love you guys and I can’t thank you all enough. So begins another chapter of revelations…

Throw Me A Lifeline

2006-08-15T22:51:00.000+08:00

"For he took away the alters of the strange gods, and the high places, and brake down the images, and cut down the groves : and commanded Judah to seek the Lord God of their fathers, and to do the law and the commandment." 2 Chronicles 14 : 3-4 (KJV)

Lately I've been feeling slightly disconnected from God and I'll be honest - I haven't been placing Him as my focus. Lately I've done some things I once promised myslef I'd never do and as I did so my thought process was affected. It worries me that lately I've been thinking more about everything other than God. I've even lost the inspiration to write poetry. My school work has been affected and my prayer life has been too. I'm still on the church choir but sometimes my heart hasn't been in it. For the first time in ages I was actually self-conscious about worshipping in the choir. I made a decision to change this and oddly enough it was a video for Mercy Ministries that was shown in church that really hit home (Mercy is a ministry that helps young women rise up above their circumstances). The song playing in the video was Brooke Fraser's "Lifeline." The first thing I did when I got the chance was to get a hold of the song and listen to it. Over and over and over again I played it and prayed. I squeezed all the bad that had saturated me and soaked up some of God's love. There is something very powerful about submitting one's self to God totally. Just coming into His presence and saying "God I'm not perfect but I want to live for you and serve you" can make all the difference. I recommited myself and my spirit was lifted.

Over the past 5 weeks I've been procrastinating with regards to my homework. I've glanced at my assignments and thought to myself that I could never live up to the standard I'd set for myself in my previous semester's work. I completely lost myself in fear that I would not do as well as I had last semester. This spiritual cleansing over the past week has restored my focus and my resolve. Last night I put my favourite worship songs on and sat down to work on my first assignment in ages. I got it done and I think it's a top notch effort on my part. I'm not going to run to God only when I'm in trouble and I can't keep it inside when He's blessed me so much. I have to shout it to the world. I feel so incredibly blessed that He is a merciful God who keeps no record of our sins. Just like in the song, I want to "re-acquaint my knees with the carpet" and soften my heart before God. I'm rambling on aren't I? Well this is theraputic for me so feel free to skip over it if you wish.

Looking back I'm thinking about how well I was going with my Bible reading. I read all of Judges and Ruth and I was starting on 2 Samuel when I stopped not too long ago. I'm starting it up again because I've been getting convicted quite powerfully by these books. Very often we tend to focus on the Gospels and the Bible stories we're familiar with and we forget about the rest of the Bible. Reading through Judges was an eye-opener and I have to go over it again to grasp all my thoughts on it. (If anyone would like to help me pull apart Judges feel free to email me.) I love my Bible and I don't want it to sit on my shelf collecting dust. I wanted to start a Bible fellowship and I think it's about time I did it. Would be interesting to have a small group of people read the same verses, pray about it and then bring their different revelations to the group. (Anyone interested?) God has a mighty big plan for all of us as individuals and I want to get myself and people I know closer to their destiny. It's about time I took responsibility - I'm no longer a baby Christian and I can't rely on past revelations and experiences. I want a fresh awakening on a daily basis. I'm maturing as a person and as a believer and for the lack of wanting to slip backwards, I'm going to press on. Ah, there is hope yet for us all.

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3 : 13-14

I wake

2006-08-14T23:59:00.000+08:00

I wake, I walk
I wonder off to school
I rush between my classes
I follow all the rules

Day in, day out
Nothing ever changes
Stresses, pressures
A smile that always wavers

A constant cycle
Days that just repeat
Slouching, moaning
Crouching in defeat

I wake, I walk
I don’t know what to say
I’m soaked, the rain
It raineth every day

I wake, I walk
I want a life that’s new
Out of control
Not knowing what to do

Need to submit
And give my life to God
Need to repent
Led by His staff and rod

I wake, I walk
Skipping with a smile
I want to change
But it will take a while

First off my heart
Has to become soft and warm
I need to learn
To hold on through the storms

I stood and ached
I was in too much pain
I cried to God
I was back in the old rain

My hope, my faith
Was fading – black to white
And then my God
Returned to me my sight

I need to run
For the goal that is God’s will
But that could mean
Sometimes remaining still

I wake, I walk
But I’ve not walked in a while
God said, “Just wait,
And I will run your mile.”

Farewell To The Old Me

2006-06-06T19:14:00.000+08:00

I had my maths exam this morning and then I had to sit around in the library until my choir practice started at 3:30 p.m. I started off by finishing a long over-due personal project - reading Calvin & Hobbes. After that I was bored as anything so I sat down and read through a journal entry from two years ago. It's amazing how much I've changed just in the last two years and I decided that I had to put some part of that entry into a poem. Call it a present to my old self. Well, it's more along the lines of me recognizing the death of the old me. I really want to talk less about her. She's something I'm trying hard not to be. I don't ever want to be that way again. I think I've finally begun to move on to be who I really am. I have a few people to thank, but there is one main person. You know who you are. All I can say is thank you. (I'll hug you later...hehe.) Anyhoo, read and enjoy. As always comments and any suggestions for improvement are more than welcome.

Forgotten

Who will she be to him
After she's dead and gone?
Perhaps not even a page
In his book of life
Let alone half a chapter
Not a sentence of even a word
A full stop. Forgotten.

He might notice her - if she's lucky
And still she goes on
Adoring him in her quiet way
With words she paints pictures
Of dreams that won't come true
When she sings her songs
They're meant for him
But the emotion's caught
She bites back her tears. Forgotten.

Her ears perk up
At the sound of his steps
Her eyes follow his movement
And when he's out of view
Her heart stalks him
Howling its lament
But her lonely soul's cry
Falls on deaf ears. Forgotten.

She floats through corridors
Shadowy, silent, un-noticed
He's the one person she hoped
She could turn to for help
Even he doesn't see her
She's just another number
Another young person
Locked in the confines of uniformity
She's lost herself and no one cares. Forgotten.

She stands on the edge
Looks out over the world below
The view is magnificent
Even as people crawl around
Indistinguishable ants like her
A deep breath and the wind's rushing
Through her hair, and against her face
Sweeps the pain and takes her away. Forgotten.

As soon as it began
The wind ceases and it's over
Still - she lies there unmoving
Still - the people walk past
Still - just a shadow
Still - even as her passion flows red
Still - as it seeps into the pavement
Still - the broken body goes unseen
In the clouds. She watches. She cries. Still. Forgotten.

Let's go fly a kite and send it soaring

2006-04-18T00:45:00.000+08:00

Oh wow we went to a park today (rellies and myself) for a picnic. It has been ages since I got to go on swings and this park just so happenned to have big metal frames on the swings - perfect for a big kid like me. The park was relatively empty so I had free reign over the swings. I spent ages on them. Just swinging and then closing my eyes, picturing myself flying amongst the clouds. The cool autumn air carressing my cheeks everytime i swung forwards and whispering in my fly-away hair every time i swung backwards. Just for a moment everything melted away and nothing mattered. I was singing "Let's Go Fly A Kite" from "Mary Poppins". There's something magical in my imagination that takes over everytime I'm on the swings. I can't explain it - it is a rush I get. There's something so liberating about flying through the air, knowing you're not going to fall anyway. Kind of like God isn't it? As long as you stick to the rules - hold on tight and keep pumping your legs - you won't ever fall and you won't ever stop. Freedom is ours as long as we stick to the guidelines (i don't like thinking of them as rules or laws) you can't get hurt. God doesn't give us parameters to limit us. He gives us parameters to protect us and give us added freedom.

I'll give you an example that everyone seems to bring up - alcohol and sex. I won't lie. God did create them both. He also didn't say they were "bad" as such. Jesus' first miracle was to turn water into wine. God doesn't despise what He created for our pleasure - yes, pleasure. Everything God has created is good. However it only remains so in the right circumstances. Alcohol in moderation is a pleasure and even healing at times. In excess it becomes destructive to the drinker's health and social life. A substance that is made for medicinal purposes becomes harmful when consumed in the wrong circumstances - drug abuse. Finally, an act that God intended for two people to express their love and bear the fruit of their love causes emotional, spiritual and physical distress when it isn't in the right situation. AIDS, abortions, divorce, hundreds of thousands of unwanted children and broken relationships all brought about by pre-marital sex. Whatever anyone else may think, contraception is not the end to our woes - abstinence is. If we all just stuck to God's advice, we'd be in the Promised Land right now. Personally, I don't want to spend 40 years in the desert, searching for God and waiting for a miracle to pop into existence. I'm going to run down the narrow path and go for the gold. Anyone with me?

He is risen : Happy Easter!!

2006-04-16T14:43:00.000+08:00

I think that it's apt for my blog to resurrect on Easter, don't you? I wrote a poem on Friday night - I was inspired by the worship and by the message. Something seems to have changed in me. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm desperately hungry for more of God. More than that, I am hungry to see my friends grow in spirit as well. Right now I feel like I've been stabbed and I guess I'll always feel like that until everyone I know is saved. It's a good thing, trust me. I want to make sure that I'll be seeing everyone I know and love in eternity. Not everyone is going to agree with that but it's just me. Anyway, I'll stop rambling so you can read this long thing. It isn't amazing but it gets the point across I think.

I loved you more than life

Why?
Why did He suffer for my sins
And die for my wrong deeds?
So many criminals
Hung upon a cross
But He was different.
What had he done wrong?
Heal. Teach. Lead. Love?
Here was a man
Of soul so pure and white
Did He deserve to die?
I think not.
And yet...

Despite His sin-less life
He hung upon that cross
Scarred and sliced open
The gentle lamb was slain
I cry out again - why?!!
Why did He then not call
On angels to save Himself?
Just - one - word
Would have revealed His glory
And He would have lived.
Take the weights
Off my eyelids
Let me know the truth
Let me see with my own eyes
The reason for Your sacrifice.

"I gave my life because
That's why my Father made me
My destiny and purpose was
To live, to serve and to die.
I died that you might
Have life with all its wealth.
My blood washed
Away your sins
My tears opened
The gates of heaven.
I died for you
To have eternal life.
I died to break
The powers of darkness -
The devil's hold on your soul.
But more than that I loved you.
More than a husband loves his wife.
The truth, I say, is I loved you.
I loved you more than life."

Big Night Out

2005-09-21T23:05:00.000+08:00

I'm so excited, my mom's sis from Sydney arrived yesterday and I went to my aunt and uncle's house today for dinner. All 10 of us including my little cousin were there. It's the first time I'm seeing them in more than 6 months. My cousin was so cute. She's 4 and she kept hugging me and telling me that she missed me. Anyway, dinner was fabulous and my two uncle2 and I were going through our ritual of teasing each other and throwing insults back and forth. The minute they realized that I was in the school choir they made me sing a song. It was hilarious how they were preparing insults to fling at me but they were silent by the time I'd finished. It was fantastic. According to them they knew I could sing, just not "this well." Well, the rest of the night passed smoothly enough and I left at around 10:45 p.m. I'm not feeling too good today so I'm going to bed early and I'm planning to go in late tomorrow. Woohoo! I get to sleep in. :) Well, an extra hour is still an extra hour.

Does God Exist?

2005-09-19T16:02:00.000+08:00

Here's a little something I found some time back. It is most certainly worth the read. ;)

A man went to a barbershop to have his haircut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began towork, they began to have a good conversation.
They talked about many things and various subjects. When they eventually touched on thesubject of God, the barber said ' I don't believe that God exists.' ' Why do you say that?' asked the customer.
' Well, you just have to go out in the streets to realise that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things. '
The customer thought for a moment but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.
Just after he left the shop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the shop again and he said to the barber, ' You know what? Barbers don't exist. ' ' How can you say that? ' asked the surprised barber. ' I'm here, and I'm a barber, and I just worked on you.' ' No! ' the customer exclaimed. ' Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.
''Ah, but barbers DO exist!' answered the barber. ' What happens is, people don't come to me.' ' Exactly!' affirmed the customer. ' That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens is people don't go to Him and don't look for Him.

All You Get From Love is a Love Song

2005-09-18T19:47:00.000+08:00

I'm going to be singing a song for my parents at their 25th wedding anniversary in December this year and I need to pick a song. Here's a list of what I was considering. Any input is greatly appreciated. By that I mean comments, or even suggestions for songs. Sadly, this is all I've been able to come up with at the moment. I'm looking at songs that my parents are sure to love and something that seems appropriate and that rules out a lot of songs.

Those Good Old Dreams - The Carpernters
Only Yesterday - The Carpenters
Close To You - The Carpenters
The Look of Love - Diana Krall
L-O-V-E - Nat "King" Cole
Have I Told You Lately - Rod Stewart
Fly Me to the Moon - Frank Sinatra

All Around

2005-09-18T19:14:00.000+08:00

It just seems to me that I have so much love to give away recently but hardly any for myself. I find it so easy to love others and I am always compelled to hug my closest friends but I can't seem to love myself as much as I should. I will admit that I am a lot better now than I was last year but it's a daily struggle to look in the mirror and tell myself that I'm beautiful and lovable. It helps to know that I have a heavenly Father who loves me but at the same time I found that I also needed love from people around me. Thank God, He knows what He is doing with our lives. I have a friend in school named Nathan and he is an absoloute cuddle bunny. And that is what we call each other, oddly enough. He's like a younger brother to me and apart from encouraging me, he makes it a point to hug me at least 10 times a day in school. I gave him advice regarding issues he has been having with his spiritual life and his liking a girl in school and in return he has been doing more for me than I can ever say. Friends like him and Rie and David make it that much easier to get through the week. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed it just helps to know that I have them. God puts people in our lives for a reason, don't take anyone for granted. Last night I was at Rie's place and I kept thanking God for her and David and I kept thinking how blessed I am that my parents are alive and well. I am so blessed that I have even lived to 17 without any major health complications.

Just to be able to walk, talk, breathe, it's amazing. Sometimes we're so busy going about our lives that we forget to stop and stand. Just stand. Look around you. Take a deep breath. Forget all your problems for a minute and thank God for life. If you listen carefully, you'll hear God's music in everything. God is everywhere of only we choose to see Him. Don't believe me? Look at a rose. Perfectly soft petals all shaped to fit perfectly together. Smell it. Can a human make anything quite as wonderful? It's God. Sunsets are like God throwing His arms open and embracing the Earth. Sunrises are like a gentle kiss to wake the world. How much do we take for granted? Simple things fascinate me so bear with me a while. Think about water. It's not quite a solid and yet not quite air either. Ever thought how amazing it is? It's there and yet you can't quite grasp it. It's just one of God's amazing miracles. Now that I've finished rambling I ask one thing of you - stop and stand just for a moment and take in the world. Drink it all in and see God. He's everywhere and we are so blessed that He is.

Friends, Fiends and My Soulmate

2005-09-14T19:35:00.000+08:00

These are my friends at Alana's 16th birthday party. May I introduce to you Alana and Jess. At least I think that's Jess. The lighting was bad and pardon my stating the obvious.

This is Emma at Alana's party in her classic pose. Emma models home-made striped arm thingies and numerous spikes. I love those things.

This one is of Emma at free dress day and, yes, she almost always poses like that. :)

Now for the fiend. This is my dear school mate David Jones. Poor bloke having to be called that. U cannot stress the number of people who sang the jingle thing on the first day of school. (If you don't know David Jones is also the name of a department store.) David is seen here reading a book very fitting to his personality. Go figure. That's all I'm saying.

Now for my soulmate. This is my childhood friend and bestest buddy Benjy. Apart from God he is the only one who never lets me down. He never puts me down and he never judges me. Only problem is he can't speak or give hugs either. Ah well that's life innit? Gotta admit he's kinda cute when you ignore the fraying threads. ;)

It's Just Me, Myself and I

2005-09-14T19:20:00.000+08:00

Some photos of me dear self taken recently. Not ver flattering but they're okay. I have got to get some random to help me take some better ones.

Here's a sure eign of my age...A Troll doll from when I was a kid. Okay so its not me but I'm just as cute. Right? I'll shut up now...

This is me on the day of the school sports carnival. Be glad that you can't see the rest of my outfit. I might wear it again some day though. In case you haven't figured out by now, I'm in the purple house

ooh this is me and my soft toy dog Benjy. I've had him as long as I can remember and then some. I think my parents bought him for me when I was a year old or something. He's been with me to every place I've ever travelled to except Adelaide. I had to leave him home to save myself from certain embarrassment. (It was a school exchange programme for the Drama Club members.)

This is me at my friend Alana's 16th birthday. Not the best I have of me but its passable.

Art Attack

2005-09-14T19:11:00.000+08:00

I finally uploaded the photos of some of my scribbles and yes, that brown canvas is really my hand...

Today's scribbles on my left hand during maths. I was bored and I'd finished all 53 questions and 13 extra ones. I deserved a break wouldn't you agree?

My Earth Fairy...

Crazy isn't it? This took me a month to finish.

This one is actually the lyrics from the first verse of 'Drive' by Incubus. "Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear. And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear take the wheel and steer." Okay, okay I got one word wrong! So sue me...lol

Second Nature

2005-09-14T18:38:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how I seem to make friends so easily. I never used to be like this but I realised recently that I'm turning into my mother. I'm becoming the social butterfly she's always been and to an extent I guess its because this is a trait if hers that I've always admired with all my heart. Being quite introverted as a young teen I looked at my party-animal of a mother with contempt and was at times annoyed when she was too loud. Recently a leader from church hosted a dinner for all the Asians and I could hardly believe the number of people I went and spoke to. I made so many friends that night and I guess it helps that I love making people smile, if not laugh. I think I'd better get to the point or I'll be rambling here forever.

Since I moved to Kinross and started taking the bus when coming home from school I've been seeing a young Chinese girl who takes the same bus. I never once stopped to talk to her and she returned my smiles without a word as well. Since this Monday however, I have begun taking the bus to school in the mornings and she was with me on the bus. When I saw her on Tuesday, I decided that it was time I said a proper hello. Her name is Poline (I double-checked the spelling) and she is currently in ECU. When I asked her where she was from she replied that she was from Singapore. Yes, Singapore. And she refused to believe that I was as well. She thought I sounded too foreign. Like I always say, I can't seem to define my accent. Anyone who can earns my sincere thanks. Anyway, we talked and it turns out that her homestay mother is a teacher from my school who is currently on maternity leave. What a small world. Yet again another God-incidence. I talked to her about church and if I see her again I might invite her down. She's 20 and is really sweet. Its just amazing how God puts people in my life. I knew there was a reason God wanted me in Perth and now I see that its to reach out to the Asian students who are so alone that they are very receptive to Christ's love. Imagine that. I had to come all this way to reach out to people from my own country. Sort of an odd twist to being a missionary. Nevertheless I can't help but thank God for opportunities to make a difference.

What's In A Name

2005-09-13T16:08:00.000+08:00

I was talking to my friend Fiona's mother on Sunday and we were chatting about names and how parents name their children. She said that with her own children she was able to feel what she should name then while she was still pregnant. This sort of goes with my personal belief that we all tend to grow into our names. Don't take my word for it. Next time you're speaking to someone, try to picture calling them by some other name and you'll find that its difficult to attatch another name to them. There are the rare exceptions to this and I have met a few people who just don't suit their names. This is possibly the only reason why I have not changed my name despite my lack of regard for it. Far from having to accept that I can't be anything other than a 'Marian' I also treasure the fact that my grandfather named me. What a gift to give your children really. Heritage in a name. It gives them an identity and shaped who they will become. That's true with me as well because my mother wanted to name me Abigail, but upon discovering that it meant storm she promptly changed her mind. There was no way she wanted a stormy personality in the house. I'm not exactly tame but I'm bold enough to suit my name. Here are some of the definitions I found listed for my name.

Marian (Of Mary) : Latin

Very much the individual you have enormous energy and vision and must find a suitable use for your talents. You have great potential for success in business if you can guard against indecision and worry. Your generous nature means that you are never short of friends and with cooperation your relationships can be very rewarding. Perseverance and firm decision making will ensure you achieve your objectives.

MARIAN: English form of French Marion, "bitter."

I've had some names that I myself have been rather fond of but I doubt my future children will be pleased if I were to bestow these names upon them. Among my favourites are Matthias, MAximilian and Anastasia. Anastasia is Greek for 'resurrection,' Maximilian is Latin for great. Matthias, however, is my favourite but is Greek for God's gift to women. I hardly think I'd like to have my son named that then. Well, maybe if its right at the time ,who knows. Oddly enough the name Lucille was been on my heart the day I was looking up the meanings. Lucille is French for light. I can't imagine what it means but lately I've been getting the distinct feeling that the first child I ever have will be a girl and that I will name her Lucille. Only time will tell. I am getting rather fond of that name. It grows on you. But it really is like what Fiona's mom said, you will get a sense of who the child is going to be and you will end up naming it based on that personality. Thank God I have a long way to go but I just thought I'd share that little bit of randomness from my little mind...

With Open Arms and Open Eyes

2005-09-12T00:15:00.000+08:00

Last Thursday I was up very, very late working on a school addignment that I'd decided to re-do. I was about half way through my History research paper and I decided I wanted to improve on it. The only problem was that I got almost no sleep as a consequence and I was walking around like a zombie on Friday. To add to my woes, I was on choir that evening in church. I was standing on stage just before the lights came on and I was crying out to God for strength. Let me tell you firsthand that when you reach out to God, you take one step and He meets you the rest of the way. It wasn't immediate but it happenned. I was sort of toning down my praise to match the others but my director called my name and told me to be energetic so I rested on God's grace. I could actually feel something in me shift. It was shocking. I felt like a different person altogether. Wordhip was even better. I just couldn't help but thank God over and over again for His strength. It was amazing. When I was chatting with my friends so many of them told me I looked lovely and one said I looked like an angel on stage. Now if that wasn't God they saw, they were looking at the wrong person. When you rely on God for every breath you take and He is your everything, people can see that and identify. Be doers of the Word. Live the Word before you preach it. People judge you by your actions before they judge you based on what you have to say. Christianity is a personal experience with God. If people can get a personal experience of God through your love and actions, that's more powerful than preaching to them. That comes later.

Apart from keeping your arms open in total surrender to God, you need to watch and pray.

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
Matthew 26:41

Jesus calls his disciples to be aware of their surroundings. To be aware of possible dangers to their faith. But apart from that, He is calling us as His disciples to watch and pray. Watch. Look around you all the time. Christians should read the newspapers and be updated regarding current affairs. Why? To watch and pray. Watch what happens in the world and pray about it. Pray for those who need it. If we were to remain praying for our own little lives and our own small circle, we'd run out of things to pray for. Apart from thanking God, pray for all those around the world who need Him. Christians keep your eyes open! Watch and pray.

On a lighter note, my mom has said that I can be her bride's maid at the anniversary in December. I am so excited. I remember dreaming about it years ago. ; ) Glad its finally happenning. Mom, Dad and I seem yo have severely conflicting ideas about how this wedding should be. Nevertheless I'm sure we'll come to some sort of agreement soon. I'm beginning to miss Rie and David. Haven't seen them much this week, if at all. On a happier note my dear team leader gave me the night off pack-down in church on Friday, insisting I go home and rest. Well if he must know, I got way too much rest on Saturday. This is Maid Marian signing off for the night. More updates soonz!

Back Seat Driving

2005-09-11T23:58:00.000+08:00

Just a quick thought on today's message before I go on to other things. Visiting Pastor J. John preached about the meaning of Christianity and what really convicted was the fact that he was talking about the car that is our spiritual life. I've heard it all before but God knows i needed to hear it again. Is God in the boot of your car? Do you only take Him out for a happy hour on Sunday? Or is He in the backseat, having to go where you decide to go and blow the consequences? Or is He in the driver's seat of your life? Are you being a backseat driver, telling God what to do? When He takes a left turn down Forgiveness Lane do you turn and say, "But I don't want tot go down this road." Do you try to question and contest God or do you let Him have free reign of your life? Let God be your driver. Let Him have control. The road map of your life is the Bible and only He knows how to read it right. We see the words but not always the true motive behind them. God knows all. Who do we put our trust in? The almighty being who created everything the eye can see and more? Or do we trust in oir own imperfect judgement? Our lives will never go in the right direction until we let God have complete control. On top of this revelation, I've been listening to the song "Drive" by Incubus all week. God really plans these things well, doesn't He?

Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I cant help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear
Take the wheel and steerIt's driven me before,
It seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal

I disagree with the chorus though. We can't make it if we drive our own lives. So ask yourself will you choose "water over wine"? Choose to let God drive you, not circumstances, not other people, and not yourself. And whatever tomorrow brings God will be there.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

Center Stage

2005-09-08T22:14:00.000+08:00

I just got home from my performance in school. "Create 05." Catchy title innit? It was a showcase of all the various areas of the Arts Department in our school. We had the different bands, the barbershop quartets, choir, a couple of monologues by the year 12 drama students and a fashion show by the fashion and design students. I was in the waiting room pretty much the entire night so I can only judge based on what I saw at the rehearsal yesterday. As far as I'm concerned, everyone was amazing. I was the emcee for the fashion show. I only got the finalised script this morning and I was supposed to have run through it with my drama teacher during class today but I went home sick so I had to go through it myself. I was representing the school radio 'DJs.' I use the term radio loosely here. What the radio crew really do is play music over the school system in the mornings and at lunch times. My cousin and I do the Tuesday morning shows.

The choir sang two songs - I Will Follow Him and Traces Of Faces, of which the latter was written by our director, Sandra Ayodele. I had a solo part on the opening verse of I Will Follow Him and I think I stuffed it up a bit. I simply had trouble breathing and holding my notes. Apparently I wasn't to bad though. At least that's what my principal and one of my teachers said. I am, however, quite pleased with my radio voice. That was so much fun, being able to play with my tone and sound all professional. Well, at least I tried to lol...

What I had not counted on was the fact that I'm still a bit sick from the fever I had last Friday. My mate Emma and I both went down to sick bay after first period and her mom picked up both of us and dropped me home. The embarrassing thing was that in the sick bay I started thinking about Sunday and the muffins I made for Fathers' day and I started missing my dad again. Lucky for me I had my face in a pillow so all Emma heard was my breathing. I am actually surprised how much more I miss my parents whenever I have a performance. So far I've only had two people attend any of my performances. My homestay mom came for my first play at the start of last term and my friend David from church came tonight. I was honestly surprised that he wanted to come at all. I only met this guy two weeks ago but I feel like I've known him all my life. Amazingly we attended the same church in Singapore and now we're in the same church here. Either way I doubt he'll ever realise how much it meant to me to be able to walk onto that stage knowing that there was someone sitting there who'd come to watch me. It was so encouraging to meet him after the show. Apart from getting a hug, it was just comforting to see a familiar face. So David if you're reading this, thanks heaps!!! :)

Fathers Be Good To Your Daughters

2005-09-04T23:13:00.000+08:00

Happy Fathers' Day!!!

Its Fathers' Day today. At least it is in Perth lol. Since my own dear papa is so very far away, I decided to do something for the guys in church who've been father-figures to me in the absence of my own. I spent about three hours baking yesterday evening. And for the first time, I had help - my beloved Rie. She's such an angel and probably the first competent assisstant I've had in the kitchen. She had to leave early but I stayed up another couple of hours to finish making the cake and muffins. The cake was for my friends and mainly Rie. The chocolate muffins were for the guys in church. I had such a good time giving them out today. I gave one to my friend Pascal's dad and I got a hug and a peck on the cheek in return. In fact I got a lot of hugs for the muffins lol. Service was a bit of a challenge for me. Took me only a while to start crying in the first one. And I was sobbing st the end of the sacond one. Yet again, I got a lot of hugs. I feel so loved. To top it off I managed to talk to my dad when I got home so now I'm on cloud 9.

I have good news directly from my mom. My parents are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary in December of this year and they are going to renew their vows. So we're planning a wedding with a small reception for them and I'm making the cake. I've already planned out the dress for my mom and I'm coming up with ideas for deocrations, invitations and songs to play. I can't wait!!! At the moment that's all I know but I will certainly elaborate when I know more details.

Memories

2005-09-04T22:47:00.000+08:00

Okay, so I haven't updated this thing in a while. I've been busy okay?! I have a life. Or at least I pretend to. Nah I'm kidding. I have been pretty busy. I think the best place to start would be with last weekend. On friday night I was in my friend, Rie's car on the way to church and I was crying out to God. I needed a miracle. I've been battling with a sore back more and more recently and I was honestly sick of not being able to even do the dishes for more than 20 minutes without it aching. Well here's the thin, we ended up spending the entire service praying and worshiping and right towards the end, pastor called for all those who wanted a miracle to come down. Mascara dripping, I went down to the front with a whole lot of others. (Hey I was on choir! I HAD to wear make-up!...lol) The pastors and leaders prayed for each of us individually. Now if anything, I ended up feeling worse. I could hardly sit still for a second from the pain. But this is where the events of Saturday come in.

On Saturday I went to help my friend as a waitress at his brother's wedding. It was so much fun. My best mate Rie was helping as well. To make a long story short, I was standing at the sink washing the dishes for at least two hours and I was on my feet from the time the wedding service ended until we left. I didn't even notice until I was on my way home that my back didn't hurt and hadn't hurt at all that day. Praise the Lord!!! Believe it or not, this was the first day in months that my back hadn't even been sore once. God really answers prayers. I've always believed it but more now than ever. To make my day even better, I think I managed to get on my friend's dad's good side. I just got the feeling that he didn't like me and my mates when he first met us but either way I reckon he likes some of us now. :) Thank God for that.

False Prophets

2005-08-28T09:36:00.000+08:00

There's a Pastor from the Philppines claiming to be the "Son of God." And I don't mean the 'we are all children of God' concept. This guy honestly thinks he is the Gentile version of Christ. He uses Bible verses that are unique to Christ to refer to himself. This warning is particularly for those in Singapore. Rev Apollo is coming to Singapore soon for a conference. Do not be conned by him!! This site gives insight into the truth about Rev Apolo.
http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Wolves/apollo_c_quiboloy-false_prophet.htm

This is Rev Apollo's site, for those of you who are still skeptical. Don't take my word for it, judge for yourself. Jesus promised that there would be false prophets in the end times. Now we have one of the most influential false prophets claiming that there is no way to God except through him. It is vital that believers should be aware. Guard your hearts and your minds.
http://www.kingdomofjesuschrist.org./

Sketchy Situation

2005-08-28T09:32:00.000+08:00

I love doing sketches in black ink. I did this one when I was out one night with my friends after church. It was absoloutely thriling when these two random girls I'd never met came over to look at it. It was so sweet the way they kept insisting I should become an artist. I don't think I'm that good as yet but I intend to improve. I have more sketches and might add on when I can get them scanned in.

Wo Go Together

2005-08-24T17:20:00.000+08:00

This is my drama class on the night of our performance "We Go Together." We're all pretty much dressed as our characters and, yes, we actually own the clothes we performed in. I was slightly taken aback but not altogether surprised that the girls actually owned clothes like that... We all seemed to have written characters close to our own individual personalities. It was an amazing night. I still cannot believe that we managed to write and perform a production on our own. At the momwnt we are working on our next task for the year - another original improvised piece. Only this time we've been broken into three groups of 4 or 5. That should be a challenge. :)

In the Limelight

2005-08-10T23:45:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I performed in a play titled "We Go Together." Sounds professional enough, right? It was written entirely by my the students in my drama class. We directed the whole thing too. With, of course, a little assisstance from our teacher. I personally think it was nothing to crow about but today, at least four teachers came up to me to tell me they heard that I was really good. My vice-principal did too! Apparently there was something mentioned in an e-mail that was sent out to all staff members and my name was mentioned. As you can guess, I am completely over the moon. Its taking all my self-control not to jump for joy.

Apart from that, had choir rehearsal in school today. We're preparing for the inter-school competition this Friday. Of all the songs to sing, we're doing "I Will Follow Him," the only song where I have a solo part. Grr...I am a tad nervous but I'm sure we'll do fine. To add to the delightful pressures of high school life, I had three tests last week and I've had three this week. Ans this is not including the Mathematics competition we had to sit for last Thursday. My grades in Human Biology have improved greatly and I'm feeling quite encouraged. Oh, and once I getsomeone to scan my random artwork I'll be able to show it off here. They're not that fantastic but I think they're okay for someone who just scribbles randomly. Oh well, this is the I-sing -too-much princess of God saying goodnight and I hope I manage to find time to update again soon.

In Black and White

2005-08-04T23:43:00.000+08:00

Just trying out this photobucket thing. This one's a dress that my Mom bought me when I went to Singapore. I can't wait for summer to wear it!!

God-incidence

2005-08-04T23:08:00.000+08:00

I stayed back in school today for book club as I usuaddly do. Oddly enough, I ended up leaving the library later than usual and I misses my bus by a matter of seconds. I literally watched it go past me at full speed before I could reach the bus stop. So there I was, waiting nearly 40 minutes in the cold for the next bus. I knew there had to be a reason for me to have missed the bus. As I was getting off at my stop I bumped into a mate of mine, Fiona. She lives near me and was going for a jog. We hugged and got to talking and I took her home with me. We spent most of this evening talking and she's staying the night. We really needed each other. We've been having challenging weeks, hers being much worse, poor dear. It just made all the difference to us to spend this time together. I appreciate her more than she knows. She's both friend and sister to me. The amazing thing is that God really put us in each other's paths today. I had been thinking while waiting for the bus about the very things we ended up talking about. Truly a God inspired day.

I'm a tad nervous about tomorrow, but it's worth getting through tomorrow to go to church in the evening. And I'll get to wear colours tomorrow since I'm not on choir! Woohoo! At the same time I'm confidant that I'll score well on them. I've working myself to the bone this week. I can't wait for Saturday. I know that Youth Alive Adrenelin is on and God knows I'd love to go. But I think my health comes first here and my body has been suffering from the lack of sleep. My back hasn't eased up much and I have the worst bags under my eyes. Not a very pretty sight. I am even more grateful for God's mercy and grace now than ever before. Thank God that He is there no matter how tired we are or even when we're happy. He is my strength and my redeemer!!! Thank God that He is the one that helps me soar beyond what Man places as limits.

And if I had wings I would fly
Cos all that I need, You are
If the world caved in around me
To You I'd still hold on
Cos You're all that I believe
You're the one that created me
Jesus because of You
I'M FREE

Lord You are my wings...

I Can Shpell!

2005-08-03T23:08:00.000+08:00

What a long day! I'm exhausted. I was in the school spelling bee today as a part of "English Week" and it was between the four houses. Believe it or not, every team had at least 5 people except my house. We had a grand total of three, including me. So, basically my team members each had to spell twice the number of words as everyone else. I got my first word wrong. RECONCILIATION. I spelled it with two L's. GRRR!! What was I thinking?! I was so nervous I just blanked. On the bright side, I got every other word right. There was a crowd of year 12 boys who'd come to support their friends and they were talking throughout most of the event but they actually shushed evryone when it was my turn. Seems that my reputation as a major nerd has spread beyond the year 11's. It was nice though, to have that kind of support. My team-mate was joking that I had a fan base. It was fun, apart from being a major encouragement. Even though Lancier and James tied for a win with 13 points and Cumberland tied second with my house, Batavia, on 12 points I think there's stil hope that I might win the poetry competition. That would be a great contribution to the house points. Maybe I'll put one of my poems up here tomorrow...

On a different note, I aced another maths test and I'm waiting to find out my rank in the year. I think that I might have boosted myself from second to first place in the level. It hasn't been easy, but it was fun...I think. I'm going to be cramming tonight and tomorrow for the three tests I have on Friday and the English essay I have to write on Monday next week. (Sometimes I get the feeling that the school wants us to be miserable. It's a conspiracy! Haha...) I'm off to go nurse my injured pride and hopefully to get some sleep. With regards to the spelling bee, I find myself compelled to leave you with these wise words,

"Blame it on the boogie!"

What a week!

2005-07-28T21:56:00.000+08:00

Wow I cannot believe that it's Friday tomorrow. I have been waiting for this day all week. It's basically the same every Sunday when I get home from church - I can't wait for the next weekend to be with my mates. This week in particular has been rather challenging. God convicted me that I don't spend enough time with Him, so I've been really crying out to Him this week. Ladies (and gents) do not underestimate the power of knee-mail! God hears prayers and I have been more at peace this week than I have been in a while. I have also been facing more persecution than I have in a while. Yeah, well, God did promise that there would be testing, so I'm not complaininig. Everything bad is only temporary. I know that I will walk through this heat and come out refined.

On to other affairs! Next week is the school's annual English Week. I have graciuosly agreed to represent my house in the senior team for the spelling bee. I got a list of 200 words that I have to learn by next week. Woohoo! And to top it off, there's a poetry writing compewtition and I will be entering that. All I need to do is select a poem from my current collection of random writings. The max entries you can have is 3 so I'll have quite a tough time picking from the 5 I narrowed my choice down to. I know it's completely unrelated but my back was playing up in class and froze twice today, meaning that I couldn't move properly. It's a slight combination of stiffness and pain. Not much fun. I might get it checked soon. Probably should.

Well it's getting late and I have to finish my essay for literature (another 80% I hope) while listeninig to The Commodores. Gotta love The Commodores. Oh! And Bryan Adams.

Please forgive me - i know not what i do
Please forgive me - i can't stop lovin' you
don't deny me - this pain i'm going through
Please forgive me - if i need ya like i do
Please believe me - every word i say is true
Please forgive me - i can't stop lovin' you

Wait to Date

2005-07-27T21:47:00.000+08:00

I spent about an hour talking to a girlfriend of mine on the phone on Monday night. Basically we were chatting about relationships and what to do to prepare yourself as a woman of God. She came up with some really good points I'd like to share. I hope you can put up with my elaborations and general ramblings...

Seeking and loving God more
Prayer
Accountability
Purity
Patience
Self-control
Expecting challenges
Preparing the field
Friends
Resources and Scripture

You need to have an intimate relationship with God. Make sure that your focus is solely on Him. You have to love Him more than any human being. Don't allow yourself to be distracted and your thoughts to be consumed by something other than God. It's also crucial to surrender completely to God and make sure that anything that is not of Him is given to Him to handle. Run TO Him not from Him.

A good thing to do is to pray each time before talking or meeting the person. That way you invite God to be a part of the relationship. This way you acknowledge God's total control over the relationship. It is a large part of surrendering to Him. Also, commit your relationship and both of your lives to God in your quiet time.

Ooh...make sure that, especially in the early stages of the relationships, you always involve people you both trust in the relationship. Allowing for others you trust to be a part of your growing proces helps to draw and keep boundaries, making sure neither of you succumbs to the temptation to do anything you shouldn't do. Never be alone with the person unless it is very clear that you can trust yourselves to be alone. Reaching this stage takes time.

This leads us to purity. As I mentioned earlier, it is important to keep your thoughts, actions, body and words pure. Commit yourself entirely to God. A reminder to all my fellow princesses, make "pure" choices. You are VALUABLE!!! You are worth so much that Jesus gave His life for you. Don't throw away the grace that we live under. Remember your femininity. You are a beautiful creation and woman of God.

Patience is a virtue. Cliche, I know. But it is a very important component to a healthy relationship. "Waiting" for Mr. Right makes it so much more worth while when things do turn out. No one wants to jump into things and look back with regrets. Waiting frees you from insecurities. You become stronger and both of you will be more comfortable around each other simply because you understand each other better. Waiting means that you become friends before dating. Think of it this way, waiting to enter into a relationship is like cultivating a good wine. Time and what you put into it during that time makes all the difference to taste and value!

Self-control is important in actions, words and thoughts. Apart from committing yourself to God, there's one more thing - wait for his lead. It’s not worth it if you have to keep making the first move. Let him come to you. If the guy likes you enough, no matter how shy or insecure he is, he will take some sort of action to make sure he doesn’t lose you. Think of it this way, if you are the one taking action all the time, what would happen if you were to spend the rest of your life with him? You’d end up being the decision-maker in the relationship and God did not intend for women to take this position. But, really, let him come to you.

Expect challenges and testing. In fact, ask God to test your relationship. If you’re afraid to, you’re relationship is probably not very strong. Remember the potter and clay: the clay needs to go through the fire to come out stronger and more beautiful. I might elaborate on this one another time.

Let God prepare your heart. Make Him the gardener of your heart. Commit your life to Him and let him extract the weeds. Also, let Him sow good seeds into your life. Let Him help you to water them so that they bear fruit.

Friends are a cornerstone to your growth. While you cannot survive on the help of friends alone, God did not intend for anyone to be an island. If he had He wouldn’t have created women, would he? If you want to soar like an eagle don’t hang out with turkeys. You are a beautiful rose bush in God’s garden, with the potential to bear the most amazing blooms. Are you going to surround yourself with weeds? They would choke you and kill your spirit. The people you spend time with and make yourself vulnerable to can make the difference between you soaring like an eagle and remaining a turkey, destined to be someone’s dinner.
Last but not least, never, ever, forget the Word of God. Like how we read a manual to help us put together a new appliance, the Bile is God's manual to help us put together our lives. Ask God to show you scripture that you can meditate on. Apart from the Bible, saturate yourself with other resources and material from Christian tapes to books.

Photobucket

2005-07-27T20:41:00.000+08:00

This is a test post from Photobucket.com

So this is it

2005-07-27T18:28:00.000+08:00

Finally, after many months of careful consideration, I have finally decided to start my own blog. However much I seem to be illiterate in the area of computers I shall manage somehow. I guess trial and error is the best way to learn anything for yourself, although it does help to get advice from those with more experience. *cough* So if you've got any, fire away.

I've had quite an interesting week and it's been quite challenging, but more of that tomorrow. For now it's time to get organised and get this party started!...lol